The Evil Troll that Lives in My Head
I call her Trollina aka Depression
For as long as I can remember, there’s been an evil voice in my head. Sometimes the voice is quiet, and I forget about it altogether. Other times, the voice rages like an out-of-control teenager determined to rip apart my self-esteem. I call this voice Trollina. However, she’s also known as the negative self-talk of depression.
I was diagnosed with depression as a child. That diagnosis set a path for my life that includes managing a chronic illness. Since it also runs in my family, I grew up watching it from different angles. I had the maddening experience of observing depression as both the helpless outsider and the equally helpless insider. At least, that’s how I perceived it growing up.
The silver lining in being diagnosed young is that I’ve had time to learn to manage my depression. It’s the kind of thing that ebbs and flows with good weeks and months interrupted by long, painful ones. Sometimes I function perfectly fine, feeling almost “normal.” Other times I operate with a black cloud lingering overhead. Either way, I keep going. I may move slower, sleep a little more or less and break out in random crying spells, but I still function.
Many years ago, I shed the expectation that my depression would one day disappear. This step wasn’t the doom and gloom realization…
